Katherine Schokalski Lucy: Love Story Graphics: N. Klenine

Of course, one does not have to be a clairvoyant or a psychic to understand that a heavy woman with sweaty hands who introduced herself as the owner of Pinewood before my first job interview, really was a patient, and I got to see her when I was working in Unit #1. I was afraid that she would remember that she had called herself grandee sovereign of the psychiatric rehabilitation center and now when I would see her as an ordinary psychiatric patient she would feel uncomfortable and will play some kind of trick with an unpredictable end.

I was mistaken. Lucy was sitting in the living room when I entered the unit and was following with her eyes something I could not see. According to the movements of her eyes, that “something” was everywhere: to the left, to the right of her, above and below the table, by the door and at the window… That “something”, was in the kitchen and then back in the living room, and Lucy was obviously trying not to lose the “something” from her eyesight.

I remembered that considering the specific character of my current job (psychiatric unit) I was not supposed to be surprised if I did not see something that the patients of Pinewood did not see… Thank God I don’t see what they do see. Otherwise I would have to join the never-boring army of clients.

The smartest thing to do now was probably to pretend that nothing unusual was happening. Just to go across the hall and the living room and take a seat at the office desk. This will clearly draw the line, indicate who is who and allow me as an employee hide behind the nursing station. That was exactly what I did. I sat at the desk, staring at the empty computer monitor trying not to look at Lucy.

As it turned out, it was not an easy task to accomplish. It is never easy to resist a very special magnetism of somebody’s estrange, aloof fascination and allure. Whether one wants it or not, one would be drawn to look at the person who is completely absorbed and devoured by the look of something mysterious, fascinating, enchanting, charming and beautiful. Perhaps it is just out of silly hope to be able to witness that beautiful “something” as well… Lucy’s face was showing bliss and felicity and some kind of profound, calm happiness. After a very long wandering around the room, her eyes finally stopped, and she broke the silence. With the deep, low voice of a very heavy woman, she was addressing to herself and to everyone around her would there be anyone around:

- Shit fly! …- She said, happily and calmly pointing at the garbage bag in the corner of the living room. That was exactly the place where her eyes had just stopped following the unknown object. – I adore shit flies! They are so beautiful!

For some reason, that strange statement gave me a great relief. Now I knew that all this time she was just observing an ordinary flight of a regular shit fly and not some invisible gnomes or fairies. It’s hard to disagree that it is much easier to communicate with someone who sees the same things you do and not his own imaginary world.

Here finally Lucy noticed me her face beamed with joy. She raised her short, fat, little arm definitely strained by a very tight green blazer and waved it in the air greeting me. She was still smiling happily and this time addressed me:

- Are you going to work here now? I am glad! I love you!!!

From that unexpected declaration of love I felt the hair on my back stand up. I was afraid. What should I do now? Keep silent? Then she may think I am ignoring her. That is not very polite. To reply quickly “I love you to…”? What if she would take it seriously and act upon it: with kisses, hugs and sweaty hands feeling my body? Icky! My inflamed imagination painted pictures of passionate love and uninvited intimacy. The thought of it gave me goose bumps.

WHAT SHOULD I SAY? A simple statement type of: “I do not love you” was, I am sure, just not good enough. Such a statement would most likely be followed by a good chase, in which I, most likely would be the prey and Lucy the hunter. Hunter, I guess will not miss out on the chance to throw something at the prey. That picture did not satisfy me either. The silence was maturing and could not last any longer.

What was I supposed to say? Something old-fashioned, like: “We have not been introduced yet” or “We do not know each other well enough” would most likely not cut it. I am afraid in this case she could simply propose to introduce herself now and offer to try to get to know each other better today, right here. That was most definitely not the game I was ready to play. I stood there silent. Meanwhile, Lucy got up from her chair and was nearing the office desk, my fortress. One, two, three… Lucy stopped right in front of me on the other side of the desk. She was looking straight at me, without blinking, her eyes irradiating love, passion and happiness.

- What did you have for breakfast? – I asked very fast, as if trying to imitate a tongue-twister, quickly jumped to my feet and stepped away from the desk getting ready to run away from all possible physical demonstrations of love from the first sight that this poor woman most likely was experiencing toward me.

- Let me remember… Cereal, cheese, bread, - Lucy was carefully folding her little fat fingers on the left hand using the fingers of the right, - coffee and milk. I love coffee with milk!

Her eyes became flirty and playful.

- I also love chocolate! But I can’t eat too much of it. I am tying to loose weight!

“Perhaps she loves everything and everyone, - I though to myself – I guess this a kind of rare and severe illness, when someone loves everything and everyone and is always happy. People who are always happy and love everything and everyone must somehow be dangerous for themselves and for our society otherwise she would not be here. Really, can a normal person be always cheerful and full of love? Those people must be treated carefully and they have to be introduced into proper range of emotions on this planet, with hate, anger, jealousy walking hand in hand with love, passion and fascination. They have to be explained, that it is not normal to be always happy”.

Just as I finished thinking all those funny thoughts and laughing to myself internally, Lucy again gave me that special look full of love and passion. Her eyes became watery.

- I knew that you would work here. You are very beautiful!

Damn it! It was this rare case when you want to run away from someone who compliments you… Run and hide!

It felt as if the rules of all social games, all norms are suddenly changing to 180 degrees once you cross over the line dividing the outside, normal world from the psychiatric centre. As if everything that was giving you good, pleasant emotions and feelings there in the normal world, here at Pinewood was becoming scary, dangerous and frightening.

Here we go again… Thoughts were speeding up in my head. How was I supposed to react? To tell her that she was a striking beauty too would be pure lie. First of all, why “too”? I knew perfectly well the truth about my ordinary appearance. Secondly, she was not a beauty either. Thirdly, what if her reaction on my polite compliment will come in form of hugs and kisses? Finally I was not a good liar. I knew that.

Just in case, I made another two steps back, closer to the exit door. I swear, God has heard my loud prayers at this tim,e and my saver - regular nurse appeared at the doorstep.

It was a tall guy in his late forties, with gray longish hair combed back in an artistic style making him resemble a decadent poet more than a nurse. I knew that he was working here for ages and must have known some special smart tricks to protect an innocent victim from annoying creatures in love.

I was right. He definitely knew all the tricks. I think just having given the situation a quick glance he understood everything. The very uncomfortable silence hanging in the air of the living room, Lucy beaming with an exhausting gleam of love, my scared face…All that in split seconds told him more than I could have explained trying to word it and wasting hours of his time.

- Lucy, I see you are bored. – Concluded the nurse giving his professional evaluation to the scene. – Is your room clean? Do you remember that you have a doctor’s appointment in an hour-and-a-half? You should be ready in one hour. There is not much time left. You still have to have a shower and clean your room before Katherine can take you to the doctor. Lucy obeyed without hesitations and slowly, quietly drifted away into her room somewhere at the end of the hallway.

The nurse never asked me about anything. It seemed like there was a sort of unwritten code of behavior existing between all the employees in this centre according to which nobody bothers another person with questions and advice unless asked. Everyone was supposed to watch, observe, learn, absorb on his own. I think I like it…

Everything went as planned from that moment, and in one hour and a half Lucy and I were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. Lucy was still radiating inhuman happiness and was looking around in silence.

- What a beauty! - She sad addressing herself to me and pointing at something inside the dark, small office section of the doctor’s waiting room.

I looked at what Lucy was pointing at. There I saw a bleach-blond secretary covered with a thick layer of make-up with her mouth always open, a vase with old cut flowers obviously suffocating in absence of fresh air and sun, endless well-aged metal shelves with numerous worn-out files containing intriguing patient information on many, many sufferers who went through this clinic in the last few years. Either me and Lucy were looking at different things, or one of us definitely needed help. I could not see anything beautiful or remotely attractive anywhere around me.

- What a magnificent beauty! – Lucy again was pointing somewhere in the office. – You see those colorful, beautiful files on the shelf? They look like a rainbow! I see rainbows! I love rainbows! Most of all I like the green color in the rainbow, but actually I love all colors!

Lucy was silent once more. She was sitting excited over a special kind of beauty seen only by herself alone. “One of us definitely requires medical attention of one experienced psychiatrist, - I thought to myself, - but honestly who would that be? Her or me? What needs to be treated? The ability to see beauty where there isn’t any or the lack of such a talent?

Soon Lucy was seen by her doctor, and the rest of the day went by without any special events. Once again, I was driving home with more questions then answers.

Victoria, April / 2006